The BSP has landed

There I sat, enjoying my breakfast this morning. (I know it’s more than twelve hours ago, but the memories are still so vivid.) Today it was a mixture of bran and bran, doused in ice-cold milk, and accompanied by a cup of coffee. In the background I caught a whiff of Shana’s cheroot. A vicious scratching sound began in the hallway, followed by the ricochet of small bullets or handfuls of gravel against the hall wall. Moments later a grey blur flashed past the dining table and all was quiet once again. Smoky, I knew, had just done what we now ugh!phemistically refer to as a ‘BSP’. (Big Smelly Poop.)

‘Bottom right-hand corner,’ said Shana as she returned from the caboose, where she had waited until Smoky had finished.

I finished my coffee and went to check the litter tray. As the Bloke of the house, it falls to me to dispose of the BSP, which I usually do by scooping it into a specially lined ‘poop pot’ and taking it to the Doulton room (i.e., the toilette) 🙂

‘When you say “bottom right”,’ I said, ‘do you mean your right or my right?’ Shana had her answer ready. ‘Bottom right if you view the tray from the foot of the stairs,’ she said.

I looked again and immediately found the BSP. ‘I always crouch by the dining room door next to the hall radiator,’ I explained. ‘So to me, what you call bottom right is actually top right.’

This kind of confusion could not continue, though, so I devised a plan. After flushing away the BSP, I swept a small quantity of wood pellets off the hall floor. Smoky had kicked them out of the litter tray as he finished (the cause of all the scratching and throwing sounds earlier). After a particularly satisfying poop, he often takes off at breakneck speed (hence the blur this morning) and acts demented for a couiple of minutes until he regains his composure.

I looked at the litter tray and mentally divided it into a 5×5 grid, rather like the game of Battleships. In today’s example, the BSP would have been at A5. I explained our new system to Shana. One other important point occurred to me though. ‘Today’s BSP might have covered two whole squares, such were its dimensions,’ I said. ‘In fact, if it really were Battleships, I think Smoky just did a destroyer!’


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